Friday, September 5, 2008

Do not like myself

It feels like I am sleepwalking again. Once in a while my life becomes somewhat unpleasant and I slip into this zombie-like state. It is not quite obvious from outside - I function and communicate well, and seem to be in a good mood. But the hours of my TV watching increase dramatically, I either listen to the books all the time or daydream. It's like I am avoiding myself big time. I said I function well, but it is not quite true. I seem to function well. Things are not getting done. The first sign of this slippage - the state of my apartment. It is the first to go, since my husband does not really care if it is orderly or not. I get laundry done, but it is not ironed or sorted, and the laundry bags accumulate in the living room. I stop cooking, cleaning, doing dishes. I go through the motions at work too, getting done something small and easy, while the important and effort-consuming tasks stay unfulfilled. The number of things that are not done rises and starts nagging on me, which makes me try to escape even more. If I do not snap out of it at this moment, I start playing computer games. Yes, it is true, I am a middle-aged woman who spends hours and hours playing computer games. I also stop watching what I eat; in fact, I eat like the food goes into somebody else. Amid all this mess there is one thing that keeps me anchored - my yoga practice. It is the only thing that I can keep together, no matter how low I go in my zombie state. Thank God for yoga.
I hope I can climb out of it by myself this time, before I reached the game-playing stage. I realised that I am getting there, right? The first step. Could these be the symptoms of depression, I wonder?
Hello, my name is Alfia, and I am a zombie.

20 comments:

rayna said...

oohhh, alfia! it sounds like you need the weekend like nobody else's business! maybe get some nice bath bubbles and candles, and forget all your worldly duties for a moment while you relax in the bath with a book? some self-pampering seemed to work wonders for you before. and yoga definitely keeps things together!! hang in there, and just know that your body is probably demanding some downtime.

alfia said...

Hi, Rayna:
Do you think so? I feel like downtime is not good at this moment. What I need is to get something accomplished, more energy, something to work up my enthusiasm for life again. Motivation, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, did you have a good practice today? I skipped it because my skin was so unhappy yesterday. All those bumps were burning and hurting me, even the clothes seemed to irritate it. Practiced slowly at home, nothing major.
Is Aliya going to teach any time soon? I could use his SK adjustment... :P

Boodiba said...

I end up drinking a lot & smoking more pot, which brings me to the self reminder that my stash is very low.

Maybe you should go take in some comedy this weekend, either a movie or comedy club.

alfia said...

Sometimes I wish I was self-medicating as well. Darn clean living! :D

Anonymous said...

Dear Alfia,

Ohhh..., I know that state so well, it's spooky how you describe it!!! You feel like you are going through the minimum necessary motions to keep things going, but you are not living your life the way you want it--with joy. I don't know if it will help you know that many of us also go in and out of these stages--fighting lows in which the energy seems to abandon us and that, by itself, makes us feel that something is wrong with us. I personally feel that it may be some kind of mild depression, but I'm not a doctor, so who knows.

The thing is, I do believe we can do something to fight it. In some cases, the solution may just be downtime (as Rayna proposes) but I also think that sometimes the solution is the opposite--doing something energetic and happy that takes you out of the rut and shakes you away and reminds you of how much you have accomplished, how much you have fought to be where you are, and how much you love life (otherwise you woudn't have tried so hard in the first place). For me, for instance, thinking of traveling or shaking my self up to go out and enjoy the sun, or even waking one day with the decisiveness that all the laundry will get folded (and doing it) can help wonders. I guess different things can help different people, but the clue is--finding what motivates you and inspires you and just doing it, right away. :)

Boodiba said...

Oh - the beach! The beach is very good for getting out of a mental rut.

Self medicating is nothing to be proud of, but I have limited options. If you are not driven to it, you are much better off.

alfia said...

Yes, something energetic and happy! I do not like beaches too much, but I might just get out and do some nature photography. Thank you, guys! You are the best.
:)

Boodiba said...

Parks are good. Maybe we're experiencing some mutual motivation. I might go up to Central Park on Saturday. I hardly ever do that. I do love beaches but am not 1) going all the way to Jersey or 2) going to Long Beach by myself. The park I could do though.

alfia said...

Yep, let's hug a tree or two. Maybe those druids knew something after all?

rayna said...

i always seem to let stuff slide when i get overwhelmed. if i just relax, then i build up some energy to get moving again. but it might not work for everyone! sounds like something energetic might be the ticket for you! some photography is a great idea - and then we can be spoiled by your photos when you post them. ;-)

rayna said...

p.s. practiced this morning. damien is great, you'll like him! i think aliya is teaching sporadically, but no morning mysore in the near future. :-(

Natalie said...

Hi Alfia,

I recommend coloring mandalas. I always find they help me to refocus and cope in times of depression and anxiety. http://www.free-printable-mandala-coloring-pages.com/free-mandalas-to-color.shtml
Is a great site with free printable pages. Stop at the store on your way home from work and buy yourself some colored pencils or markers.

Feel better,

Natalie

alfia said...

Wow, those are beautiful. Thank you, Natalie, I will definitely try that!

:)

Arturo said...

hi alfia
you could turn off the tv. that may be the source of depression. it presents a life that is not real. the news are always shocking. some actors are sensitive and good, but a lot of what they have to enact is mindless - meaning poor scriptwriting. and most of what is on tv is car ads. everytime i resume watching tv, usually while on travel, i always remember how many car ads i watched.
cheers,
arturo

Boodiba said...

I am, at the moment, trying to draw a police car from above. Without any decent reference. Pfft.

susananda said...

Those mandalas ARE beautiful! What a great idea. I used to love these posters called 'doodles' I think, really beautiful and detailed that we would colour in with markers...

Alfia, it IS kind of spooky how you describe it, that's exactly how it happens! And it seems to have hit a lot of us hard lately. Getting out there with your camera and soaking up some tree-energy sounds like a good idea, or basically anything fun that gets you away from the screens for awhile! Hugs.

Boodiba said...

I'm not sure what it was, but EVERYONE at work yesterday seemed bummed out, all for different reasons.

Maybe there's an end of summer funk going around? Something planetary?

ashtanga en cevennes said...

Oh gosh Alfia, you do describe that so well! It's the potato purée syndrome. Sometimes my head gets full of it.

Did you try some photography? Some tree-hugging? I hope you feel better soon.

alfia said...

Hi, Arturo:

You might be right and the TV adds to depression big time. Though I still think it is more a symptom, not the real cause. Because if there are no watchable TV programs available, I just listen to the books non-stop. But you make an excellent point, Arturo.

alfia said...

Hi, guys:

No tree hugging for me today - Hanna reached DC and poured a monthly dose of rain in several hours. But I do feel better. My baby is home for a week before his classes start, so I am both busy and happy. Thank you so much for your kindness and support. Love ya all! :)

 

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