Monday, August 25, 2008

This is that special time when I am very, very bitchy

Yesterday we had our new "traditional" Q and A session at the shala. David talked about cleaning up the vinyasas, instituting moon days, about all the buzz news coming from Mysore. In particular that they were going to "tighten" up the speed of moving people into the intermediate (in a sense they will not move people as fast as they used to. Huh?!). My heart sunk. A month ago David asked me how long I was pain-free, and explained to me that the ONLY reason they did not give me pasasana was their rule of having a pain-free months after an injury. So a month passed, nearly the second is over, and still, not even a hint. OK, so I asked after the Q n' A, what exactly was holding me and what should I work on. Let's see, says David, can you jump through? Yes. Can you lift up from Supta Kurmasana into Tittibasana? Yes. OK, he says, I will look closely and I will tell you what to work on. Hello! What happened to the "only" reason?I know I was just irking David further, because it is not a "good" manner to ask for a pose. Just could not stop myself. So today I was a mess. I managed to completely convince myself that I will never get moved to the second. I will be doing the primary forever. What is the point of coming to shala then if they were not going to teach me anything new? Wouldn't I be better off doing it all at home? Should I spend money just to get a couple of the same adjustments daily? All these thoughts were racing through my mind, enraging me more and more. By shoulderstand I even cried a little. Thank God nobody noticed. I left the shala, and while walking towards my car, a thought occurred " what is wrong with you?". I even stopped for a moment. And then realized - I am having a PMS moment! I did not feel any physical symptoms, but this rage was totally uncharacteristic for me. I am generally a very happy person. Well, uncharacteristic in 99% of the time. During our 23 years of marriage, my husband and I fought exactly four times. Every single time it was my PMS period. Apparently my bitchiness raises to unbelievable levels, so that even my husband's angelic patience couldn't take it.
Having realized that, I decided not to make any drastic decisions and ask any more damaging questions. Let things be, my life outlook might be back to normal by the next week. Let me tell you, though, PMS sucks!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Only to let you know you're not alone and not to justify anything: many people get stuck at a particular place FOR YEARS. While physical ability *appears* to be the most common reason for a teacher to hold someone back, I've heard many teacher in Mysore and abroad say that the biggest thing to work on at any level of practice is better breathing.

Usually, but not always, it is only after learning to be content with your practice, to cease our attachment to "getting the next pose," that the student is suddenly advanced to the next posture. And then the game resumes itself.

Again, not to justify, just to commiserate I suppose. Keep practicing. Just focus on the posture you're doing at any one moment. It will come. Trust me. :-D

ashtanga en cevennes said...

Oh, boy! Sorry, Alfia. But you are really a rockstar for calling yourself out on it. Even after my highly emotional time passes, I still have trouble sometimes in recognizing it for what it was. I tend to believe that I am thinking hyper-clearly and seeing the world for the depressing mess that it is. I mostly get sad, not enraged.

I bet you'll get your pasasana soon. Give your teacher a little more time to observe that you are back to 100%, and pain-free.

alfia said...

Hi, Anon:
Thank you for your input. My head understands what you are saying, and agrees with it, but my heart is still rebellious. I wish I had the faith that David really knows my practice and makes the rational decisions based on this knowledge. How did you like our dialog: " Can you do that? Yes! This? Yes! OK, let me observe a little more and then I will tell you WHY WE DO NOT move you forward". Ugh. Not long time ago he stunned me with a request "Alfia, you need to START doing vinyasas after each side of the pose" Could not believe it - I have not skipped a vinyasa since the second month of Mysore!
Anyway, apparently I am still in an emotional pit. I apologize.
I will keep practicing and learning not to be attached - what else is there to do?
Thank you!

alfia said...

Hi, JS:
Thank you for calling me a rockstar! This is so you - to find a positive spin amidst of a tantrum! Love you to death. :)

LI Ashtangini said...

LOL, that happens to me every month! Only in hindsight do I ever realize what the problem is, I never realize it in the moment.

I'm sure he is waiting for non-attachment to the next pose. Sometimes that is the hardest part of the practice, no?

Arturo said...

Hi Alfia
Victor is an angel, yes. hehe.
Hey sorry about the frustrations with the practice. I don't know what to tell you. I've been practicing more at home, and the challenge there is one's emotional balance and consistency. Anonymous' advice is very good, if you're studying continually with a teacher. When I see these changes happenning it makes me wonder if some of the things CP predicted are going to happen. Although it's laudable to protect the method, will the average person stick around to follow it to the letter, or will they experiment with other things? When I hear that S. is saying that when your teacher is not around practice as your teacher told you to do, I question the motive for the statement - as for example more control. What about the inner teacher, the sat guru, what does he/she say? does inner guru say you can move forward?

A kind way to rebel against being stuck is to take a taller (we're not allowed to use the word workshop anymore) from a certified teacher that will cover the 2nd series poses, and letting your teacher know that you went and did well. It worked for surfer guy at my old shala.

Cheers,
Arturo

alfia said...

Hi, Arturo:
I hear you.
Regarding the workshops - it would never work here. David is so indignant about the "traveling teachers" and their workshops that I am now even hesitant to mention I attended one. Which does not stop me from attending, of course! :)
It is OK, though, I think I over it now. At least for now...

 

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